We love Guatemala and when I say love, I really mean LOVE. We have a ridiculous, wonderful life here, have been lucky to make friends with some really fun, incredible people who have opened up a whole other side of Guatemala for us, and this place could not be more beautiful, special and amazing. Seriously, the history and natural beauty here are in a class of it's own. And the truth is, I am really sad to go and am really going to miss it. And feel sort of confused when I also feel ready to leave. I feel really bad, like I am letting this place down, like I am sort of a failure...
We are in the Foreign Service, we are supposed to embrace everything foreign and different, this is our life! But sometimes I just miss America, and how things mostly work like you expect them to work, the easiness of being able to say whatever you need to say, understanding what everyone around you is saying, and our really, really wonderful friends and family.
I think knowing that our time here is coming to end resulted in me putting down my guard. Like not fighting the feeling that it is sometimes really scary here, like not putting up with the dysfunction thrown your way when trying to do something as mundane as paying for your groceries, like really truly hating the other drivers on the road. It is horrible. Everything annoying has gotten really, really annoying and I think it is because I have thrown in the towel. Two years of dealing with this stuff sort of weighs on you. And admitting this is really embarrassing. I am supposed to be able to hack it. And honestly the Guate is nothing in comparison to a lot of the other places out there. I mean I am complaining about not understanding Spanish...hello, what about the folks trying to live in a place that speaks Tagalong or whatever it is called?!?!?
I think I may be a wimp and not truly prepared. You get all of this info, too much info really, on dealing with culture shock, getting to post, settling in to your new country, but nobody really prepares you for the the reverse. The strange flood of mixed emotions....so ready to leave, so sad to go. It is truly a weird place to be.
But as is always the case, I sort of feel better airing this embarrassment of mine...thanks for bearing with me. And the thing is, I better get over myself. I mean we have a lot to do and a lot to see before we leave...we only have about 16 weekends to pack it all in. (I just went from sad sack to mini panic attack....man I am a mess!)
But whatever, a million other people have done this, I am sure we can do it too. And really the thing is, I am determined to leave this place still loving it....
Tasha! You are not a failure and you are most certainly not a wimp! You are so courageous to pack up your life every few years, and take on whatever country you get sent to next! Lord knows how I would have dealt with the Guate all this time!
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I can't wait for you to back in the states and have a cell phone I can call you on, and actually get a hold of you, whenever I want :)! XOXOX!
I think your mixed feelings are completely understandable. I'm sure thousands of FS families share them. I know I always do when I leave somewhere, foreign or domestic.
ReplyDeleteOh, this is so totally, totally, normal. I love Singapore so much now, but I was ready to leave months before we actually did. And that's a place in which things work! It just means you miss the good things about the States, of which there are many. And the great thing is, the way our selective memories work, you'll forget all about the things that drive you nuts after you leave - or at least remember them more fondly in hindsight. :)
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